intimate thoughts from boston...

Ok,
So I have been thinking lately a lot about my relationship. I feel like I know it's going to end- and it may be by me. I don't even like writing this down because it's an admission to myself, it feels real when you write it down. I feel guilty writing it but here it goes.
Rod is great. I like him so much (I am tearing up right now even thinking about ending it). I mean, it's not that we're doing bad or fighting or anything like that at all...sometimes I feel like he doesn't have time to be in the relationship we are in. Which is nuts because I certainly don't have the time. Yes, I said it- I don't have the time to wonder where Rod is, why he hasn't called me or to take time out talk to him whenever we both have (or don't have a second). We try to talk at night which is usually futile because one of us is falling asleep- usually me cause I wake up earlier than him.
And I feel bad because I am a pretty demanding girlfriend wiht high expectations- but should I not be? Of course the textbook answer is of course you should be demanding, you deserve it- but who has a textbook relationship or a textbook boyfriend? I don't.
The other morning he called me because he fell asleep before calling me the night before, and I was kinda throwing some attitude because this had happened a couple of nights in a row- so I was asking him where he was and why he coudln't call me. Like- if I let it go am I giving him permission to act negligently? But if I say something I sound petty. Well, the conversation took a detour from there and basically crashed. We both got annoyed and got off the phone. Well, I felt bad because he called me in the mornign like all, how are you??? and I was the one who picked the disagreement.
So I called him back and explained I get disappointed when he doens't call me cause I am literally sleeping next to the phone. But he said something to me that was so telling..."I'm not superman, Deb....I get tired."
It's sooo hard.
This is all besides the point that this is a major distraction from my school work, even as I write you guys about him while I am supposed to be writing a memo. It's not his fault that he's my distraction, because he certainly doesn't demand my time- but I want to give it because I like him.
You guys, while Rod was here he was like, he feels like I deserve better than him. Like he knows he can't give me everything I want. I felt sooo bad when he said this becuase sometimes I feel the same way.
Don't misunderstand me at all, I like Rod soooo much and he is a good man. Moreover, I have mad respect for Rod as a person, as a man.
Which makes me feel like an idiot for even feeling like this: but what Rod doesn't do is show affection (he may say he's really proud of me, but he won't tell me how he likes me or that he misses me etc.) or he'll push me off of him if he feels crowded, which is often. And I am like, Damn. I know I could find a million men who would LOVE to have me showing them that I care, to rub my feet (which he won't touch because he doens't like feet) or whatever it is at the moment. Then I think about the past and I'm like, no, a good man is hard to find, Debbie. But really, I don't need a man, especially in this phase of my life, and there are good men out there. I have met a few sinceI started dating Rod, even.

When I think about it it's soooo stupid, my issue is so stupid. I like Rod and I am willing to work on it, I am talking mad shit and I need to go home tonight and call my man and tell him that I appreciate him.

(did I mention how hard this is?)

In other news, Robyn I hope you are all set to ride out the storm...)

Love and trust you both with my deepest darkest...
**********************************************
Epiphany:
When Rod is the most aggravating to me is when he is ducking my affection towards him, does that mean something? Is it he's uncomfortable with me sharing my feelings because he is insecure with his deservance of it? hmmmm...I have no idea.

fun times from fabulous me...

hey girls.. geez i guess i am super behind. it was nice to hear about all of your situations and relationships.. i feel like a therapist..:)
D.. Im so glad your time with Rod was great. I really appreciated your messages...by the way there is a jetblue special that expires tomorrow..buy a ticket for 69 dollars each way.. and they are gonn start going direct from Boston to West Palm on NOvember 8th..whew! can you tell my family has stock in Jet Blue.
No wonder you're not answering your phone... its duh duh dead. I'll call you at home sometime soon.. but now i guess this blog is pretty useful.
As for life in Reno... times are good. Jamar and his roomate came to visit me this weekend...it was the best.. it was nice to be with family.. we ate like animals... Debbie, we ate Thai food.. it was FABULOUS.. Roli.. we ate Red Lobster.. you know the deal.
We partied like Rock stars and because I have a brother who is doing pretty well as an accountant for Earnst and Young.. I didn't pay! ha! If you guys haven't et Jamar.. no lie he is a winner, if i do say so myself. He's one of those ugys you can't wait to introduce to anyone else you know. VEry smart, very funny, very hard working. im prou to be his sister :)
ayways... after all the partying ended.... back to reality..oh there goes gravity..oh there goes rabbit..he choked.....
work is well.. work. It definitey goes up and down. THats the best i can say right now... up and down.. but good.
my mommy's birthday was yesterday.. and i think she looks freakin fabulous for a 56 year old...
mika is off on her second flight.. a 5 day trip back and forth to New York..God Bless her..

I did a pretty cool story today.. an art exhibit is here at the Nevada Museum of Art (two blocks from my house)
it has frescoes, marble sculptures, and all kinds of cool artwork from Roman times... actually from this Roman city called Stabien, close to Pompeii. These things are 2000 years old.. and i got to tell everyone about it. thats cool.

I miss you guys ..but i must say, I feel like we're doing a great job keeping up... i guess it wouldnt be right if we didnt.

Lil D..ARE YOU GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!???? YOU GOTTA BE..
ill be there on the 22nd....with bells on.

Tingle

Calling spree

Ivellise must be on a calling spree. She has been in contact with me more recently, twice actually needing a favor, once for an invite and maybe even one or twice just to say hi. And now she has called you and Tinlge. I tell you. Life is funny, huh? At one point we actually had a convo about the last time she had spoken to you all. But that's another story for another blog on another day.

Lil D, I guess we do have some catching up to do. Shit, I was confusing myself in that blog, but it was a good release for me. I didn't know what I was talking about, and I figured the feeling would be mutual. Ya'll are really my friends when I deliberately share my state of confusion with you both, and succeed in confusing the hell out of you. Confusing, huh?

Tingle, where the hell are you, huh? You're super dooper late! Catch up, and do better.

Random tidbits from a student with ADD

Guys,
I forgot to tell you: guess who called me?
No, not that person.
Joan Ivelisse. Yes, that's right. I have been blessed two days ago with Joan's phone call (my phone was broken so she left a message.) In case there was any question, she appears to still be alive and doing ok. I haven't talked to her though.

Robyn, it's been a long time since we've talked, girl. What is going on with you? Are you getting soft over this man? Mmmm...older men are fun, aren't they? Tingle knows about older men too, huh Tingle! Well, I don't know what you are going through, but I do want to know. Tell me more tell me more, tell me the concrete things becuase you are confusing me with all this roody-poo love stuff. Do you think that the celibacy issue is a major factor in the emotions? I don't know, but I can't account for how much I like Rod- I am convinced my attachment in part comes from being physically intimate with him.

So, I miss you guys much, if you can call me at the house, after 9 is usually a decent time...617-277-2371 (for the second time!!!) HINT HINT...

Throwback...

Remember the good ole days...

...Nothing's ever promised tomorrow today...

First, I wanna say I'm glad to hear Lil D's escapade with her new L.O.M.L. was so great! If I know ya'll, ya'll were doin' it BIG!!

On another note, why the title of my blog...that Kanye West song with Adam Levine of Maroon 5, "Heard 'em say". If you don't know about it, it's hot.

It seems that I have created a situation that I am battling within myself. To feel or not to feel? Feelings are supposed to be natural. But what if I am having an inkling that mine are not naturally real? There are times when I question my own judgement, am I doing the right thing? Am I setting myself up to fall into a trap? Is this real, will I feel the same way next week, next month, even tomorrow? Someone slap me the next time I think of giving up my celibacy...slap me hard. Sad, but true, I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is real or if it's just crazed emotion. A part of me wants to believe that my feelings of great intensity for this man are real, but I would consider myself a realist (at times), and this time I'm trying to be real with myself, but I'm not quite sure if these feelings are true or if they're just truly lust. Damn, that sucks, huh?

And I heard 'em say, nothing's ever promised tomorrow today...

Confused yet? Good, me too.

Doing it BIG in Boston...

Well guys, Rod has left Boston. I woke up this morning to a cold, empty bed and it sucks. It was such a pleasure to have him here, we did it real big. We went to a Boston College football game and got soaking wet from the rain. We went downtown and shopping, looked at libraries, churches, and, we even went to an aquarium. We took a trolley tour of the city, a boat cruise of the harbor, we ate at a really nice restaraunt on the harbor...speaking of eating: we had Vietnamese food, ice cream, we ate at Cheers, Thai food, and he got to eat seafood that he can't get in Florida (I had a steak!) The eating was really good.

The long and short of it is this: I am so attached to that man.

I cried the whole way to the airport and all the way back. I am tearing up now as I write this, I miss him so much already. And having to go back to law school is not helping me much (as I am behind because I missed yesterday to be with him.)

But, he had a great time here, he's a big American history fan and of course Boston is perfect for that. I also had a chance to learn a lot about the city by taking him around.

In other Debbie news, my cell phone is broken. I refuse to buy another phone so I am waiting for Rod to send me an old phone of his. Until then, email, blogs and the house number (617) 277-2371.
Peace homies.

Something to Read

Supreme Court won't take up California death case

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The U-S Supreme Court refused today to take up the case of California death row inmate "Tookie" Williams, a founder of the Crips street gang whose later work for peace won him a Nobel Peace Prize nomination.
Williams has been praised for his children's books and efforts to curtail youth gang violence. He claims prosecutors violated his rights when they dismissed all potential black jurors.
California attorneys said Williams did not contest the makeup of the jury at trial and that it's too late to do so now.
Williams was sentenced to death in 1981 for killing a convenience store worker and also was convicted of killing three other people. He claims jailhouse informants fabricated testimony that he confessed.

Jamie Foxx played this guy in an HBO special.

Oh, the places you go...

Wow, everyone seems to be in these random places in life. It's good stuff though. I am so far behind, I don't know where to start. Sorry I have nothing inspirational or highly entertaining to write about, but still I write.

Each day that passes makes me look back and think, where did the time go. Sometimes I feel like I don't know where I am or where I'm going, who I am or who I'm striving to be. I mean, it seems as though life has an outline that you're supposed to follow, but you're responsible for filling in the details. For example, my life template said high school diploma, college, work. That seems so vague, but everyone's template does not appear this way. However, I guess the details are the most important part. Whoever said Gainesville would be the destination or that PR would really be the profession? What if what I'm doing at this very moment is exactly the opposite of what I will be doing in years to come? Okay, I'm sorry to break this train of thought...but I just realized I don't wanna talk about this anymore...

making good things happen since 1982

This is a picture of...the Doctor who delivered me. Her name is Dibyashree Malla. My dad found it on an internet newspaper. How cool is that, she is the person responsible for, "Debbie Satyal, making good things happen since 1982."

Oh my gosh, I have never been so appreciative of Fridays in my LIFE.

Tingle, what do you mean that we've been roped into the Facebook???
What does this entail? Are you two secretly posting Trinity179 blogs on the facebook? What is going on guys?!?! Why am I on there too? Who is responsible for this?

Tingle, I thoroughly enjoyed your blogs today, I am pround of Mika too! You should definetly let her read your blog or send her some words that are similar to what you wrote, it was so loving and cute. I am glad to hear that you are doing better in Reno, and I almost started laughing in class when I read the blog about Cassandra (was that her name). Hilarious. Delivery was on point.

So today I went to a discussion about "Law and Living Good" basically how to reconcile some of the differences of being a lawyer and going against your guts or morals and how to deal with that problem when it comes up. And we talked about three questions we can ask ourselves...and I think they are relevant to everyone.
"What brings me joy?
What am I good at?
Does the world need me to do that?"

Hmmm...some food for thought when we are making our life decisions.

Well, ladies- be well and I will talk to you both soon.
Love you,
Debbie

Thursdays feel like Fridays

Thursdays always feel like Fridays around here. i want to call in tomorrow but i can't. That shit don't fly round these parts. anywho-- i was thinking of how things are shaping up around here. i am calmer, happier, more stable- praise God.
I prayed about it. and you know the Lord, always coming through for us.
I found a church that I LOVE. everytime i go there i can feel the spirit of the Lord. The pastor is awesome, real, raw, and honest.
i thank God for this. the powerful thing is that he knows even before you can conceive an idea. he knew i would be in Reno, he knew i would live on California and Arlington and he had this church here waiting for me.
I pray for you all and I hope that you are feeling his blessings no matter what you are doing. I hope you are faithful and i hope that you are aware of where you are and how you got there.
we don't do it alone.

on to other things.... lil debbie you should get the book i was telling you about the kite runner. and roli i recommend you read the secret life of bees. i know you will like it. i have been reading thanks to my inspiration debistri.
i have also rented movies thanks to the little one. i watched sideways, hitch, and the sea inside this week. a good mix i think.

oh wait!! lol i completely forgot... LIL DEBBIE.. did roli tell you? we've been roped in!! yes . we did it. we've succomb to the book. the facebook. i know. i am ashamed. we are still too good for it.. but what are you gonna do. i mean full force lil d, pictures and all...lol! and you are on there too d!

im done here..more blogs below...a lot more.
I love you both!

Tingle

dream i had

i was in a dark room with Ricardo. go figure. in walks.... he sees me and we say hi like we would if we were to see each other now.. "how are you? so good to see you? how are things? take care."
Ricardo leaves the room. sex happens. i love yous are exchanged. oh the madness.
i wake up all confused because (and i say this very honestly and seriously) he has been the least of my thoughts. so im all.. why this why now? then i remember. i went to dinner at Johnnys, an Italian restaurant in town that night . I ordered the manicotti.
a mutual favorite.
they say you have nightmares if you eat just before bed dont they?

my angel got her wings!

i adore my mika pizza more than anyone in the world. I know you both know how much i love my sister. so i have to tell you how proud i am of her. she finished her month long jet blue inflight crew bootcamp. its not easy guys. sure my sister didn't go to college, but she is freakin fabulous! and she studied her ass off the entire time and she did it. she got her wings!!!
so fly jetblue and she just may be telling you where the emergency exits are...or she just may be saving your life.
thats where i find the power in all of this. she is not a waitress in the air.
she is there to keep the calmness in case of chaos.
God gave her wings so she can fly.

what they do..we don't.

i went to a party this past Saturday. a good friend of mine Suzanne invited me. her friend kelly was having a house warming. when i walked in i was so happy to see people my age with alcoholic beverages in their hands. a rare sight in my new life.
i was also ecstatic to see an even more unlikely sight: three..count em' three good looking black guys. im thinking to myself..finally. introductions, conversations, and laughing proceed between me and everyone BUT the 3 black guys. I think to myself are they kidding? so of course i ( being the outgoing dynamo that i am) introduce myself to them. Alan. Carl. Marcel.
Hello Alan. Carl. Marcel. Are you as happy, suprised, comforted, and confused as i am to see you? no. absolutely not. why would you be? you have an array of blonde and brunette, big breasted, fair skinned, beauties at your finger tips.
the night continues, i get over myself, its all laughs and cheers. the guests trickle away.. four hours later im sitting on the lazy boy...suzanne is on the couch with a guy who has been hitting on her all night to no avail, kelly the hostess is washing dishes in the kitchen, and one of her bosses, one of the women she nannies for is asking her : " where did Cassandra go?"
Cassandra, her other boss, whose two children are at home with their dad.....
is in the car giving Marcel head.

no beyonce no kelly no michelle

i guess i have to agree....as happy as i am that we've started our "adult" lives.. there are countless days when I wish I was a kid again meeting "half way" between west palm and miramar for a kilkinny chicken salad.
i heard "tipsy" the other day and also got a flashback of our fun in the city. i smiled then frowned remembering things will never be like that again... you know..everybody in the club gettin tipsy.
i can't wait for Christmas when we all try to get together again for a gift exchange. I hope it can pull through.

lived up to the promise...

Robyn Leigh, I see you lived up to the promise, so I guess I won't give up on the blog afterall.

Let me tell you guys, I really miss you two. I have people I am cool with up here, and I spend hella time with my roommates and a couple of other people- but it's not the same. I go home after school on weeknights, and like, I get all these phone calls from people I go to school with but I don't feel motivated to talk for hours about nothing, or anything, with them. I just don't really talk to them like that. I guess I have Rod, so I spend a lot of time on the phone with him...but I miss you guys!!!
Tingle, it was so good to talk to you about Foreign Relations and International Relations programs today. That's the stuff I miss. I am around these brainiacs so much up here that I don't really tlak to them about things like that. Plus, everyone's always stressed out about school, including me.
I almost feel like giving up the immigration law trip so that you guys can come visit me and hang out in February!!

I wish we could all get together at some random restaraunt and have a Wednesday night Ladies' night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SIGH. Those were the days.

-little debbie

My favorite friends...

So...we all have that moment when we miss each other. I see Lil D was missing the homely atmosphere last week when she was lying on her bed sick as hell. Ting missed us when it was a Saturday night and she was listening to some crunk music and wished she had her friends to go out with. Now, it's my turn. So I am somehow being convinced to plan a trip to Halloween Horror Nights. It originated with me, Deb, Jorj and Shaun. However, now we're supposed to be expanding to invite other people, and all I'm thinking is damn, this would so be a trip for the Zetas to Hate, and it sucks that you guys can't be here. And then I started to think about our trip to the Big Apple and how much fun we had. Oh, things will never be the same. Thought this was a moment that ya'll would love for me to share. This was definitely blog worthy...

Misc. things

Ok so I was also in deep thought about life, and I came to this conclusion...I am so thankful that I was able to play the cards so well that I was dealt in life. I look at other people and how miserable they are, and how they can only wish they were in my shoes, and I realize how lucky I am. I, excuse me, we are young, ambitious, highly intelligent women. No kids, sexy as hell and got our shit together. Damn, we're gonna be those power women by the time we're 30. So with that being said, here's a lil encouragement when you are feeling down...from the spiritual perspective...my favorite scripture...Proverb 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Sleep on that. And from a non-spiritual perspective, but more from a life's lessons perspective..."It's when things seem worst that you must not quit." This may help and it may not, but either way it was something I wanted to share, so I did. Love ya, Trinity 1 & 7.