intimate thoughts from boston...

Ok,
So I have been thinking lately a lot about my relationship. I feel like I know it's going to end- and it may be by me. I don't even like writing this down because it's an admission to myself, it feels real when you write it down. I feel guilty writing it but here it goes.
Rod is great. I like him so much (I am tearing up right now even thinking about ending it). I mean, it's not that we're doing bad or fighting or anything like that at all...sometimes I feel like he doesn't have time to be in the relationship we are in. Which is nuts because I certainly don't have the time. Yes, I said it- I don't have the time to wonder where Rod is, why he hasn't called me or to take time out talk to him whenever we both have (or don't have a second). We try to talk at night which is usually futile because one of us is falling asleep- usually me cause I wake up earlier than him.
And I feel bad because I am a pretty demanding girlfriend wiht high expectations- but should I not be? Of course the textbook answer is of course you should be demanding, you deserve it- but who has a textbook relationship or a textbook boyfriend? I don't.
The other morning he called me because he fell asleep before calling me the night before, and I was kinda throwing some attitude because this had happened a couple of nights in a row- so I was asking him where he was and why he coudln't call me. Like- if I let it go am I giving him permission to act negligently? But if I say something I sound petty. Well, the conversation took a detour from there and basically crashed. We both got annoyed and got off the phone. Well, I felt bad because he called me in the mornign like all, how are you??? and I was the one who picked the disagreement.
So I called him back and explained I get disappointed when he doens't call me cause I am literally sleeping next to the phone. But he said something to me that was so telling..."I'm not superman, Deb....I get tired."
It's sooo hard.
This is all besides the point that this is a major distraction from my school work, even as I write you guys about him while I am supposed to be writing a memo. It's not his fault that he's my distraction, because he certainly doesn't demand my time- but I want to give it because I like him.
You guys, while Rod was here he was like, he feels like I deserve better than him. Like he knows he can't give me everything I want. I felt sooo bad when he said this becuase sometimes I feel the same way.
Don't misunderstand me at all, I like Rod soooo much and he is a good man. Moreover, I have mad respect for Rod as a person, as a man.
Which makes me feel like an idiot for even feeling like this: but what Rod doesn't do is show affection (he may say he's really proud of me, but he won't tell me how he likes me or that he misses me etc.) or he'll push me off of him if he feels crowded, which is often. And I am like, Damn. I know I could find a million men who would LOVE to have me showing them that I care, to rub my feet (which he won't touch because he doens't like feet) or whatever it is at the moment. Then I think about the past and I'm like, no, a good man is hard to find, Debbie. But really, I don't need a man, especially in this phase of my life, and there are good men out there. I have met a few sinceI started dating Rod, even.

When I think about it it's soooo stupid, my issue is so stupid. I like Rod and I am willing to work on it, I am talking mad shit and I need to go home tonight and call my man and tell him that I appreciate him.

(did I mention how hard this is?)

In other news, Robyn I hope you are all set to ride out the storm...)

Love and trust you both with my deepest darkest...
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Epiphany:
When Rod is the most aggravating to me is when he is ducking my affection towards him, does that mean something? Is it he's uncomfortable with me sharing my feelings because he is insecure with his deservance of it? hmmmm...I have no idea.